Success comes at a price

There seem to be a lot of articles in the media these days about keeping women in science (especially academic fields). I’ve found these articles to be nice summarizes of the gains we’ve made as well as the issues that remain to be tackled.

Today a friend brought my attention to this article in the NY Times. The author raises a lot of good points. Things are certainly much better than they were, but as she points out, some gains have produced new drawbacks. For example, when I read about the assumption that women win important prizes or positions because of their gender rather than their intellect or achievements, I could think of female colleagues who faced disrespect and insinuations of “you only got the job because you are a women”. After years of struggle to establish oneself in a competitive field, that type of experience is disheartening. Furthermore, I think that increasing competition for scare jobs in the current academic market worsens this new and subtler type of discrimination against women. People have always needed scapegoats when they struggle to find work.

One issue I thought the article missed, also has to do with the current academic market and the negating effect it may have on recent gains regarding the tenure-track and family formation. I think it is wonderful that many universities now pause the tenure clock when a child arrives, provide paternity leave and, in some cases, offer day care on campus. However these benefits are not generally extended to post-docs or contract staff; and it is in these positions that most women of childbearing age now find themselves. By the time they get to the tenure-track their fertility is running out. I think this is the next big challenge, and not just in terms of keeping women in science. I think the next big challenge for academia is addressing the swelling tide of highly trained contract workers and extending to them some of the benefits of the tenure track. This is also an idea that has attracted much attention of late - including an article in Nature.

I love this poem

I was sitting in my living room listening to a podcast from the BBC when I heard this poem. I was sitting and working on R code, my brain busy figuring out how multiple variables are related in time and space. My first baby was at daycare and my second was sleeping nearby. I was not thinking at all of my body. And then I heard this poem, and I was filled with gratitude. Indeed, my body is amazing! Hell, so is my brain as it entertains my baby one minute and composes R code the next.

Here is the poem, by Hollie McNish as read on BBC’s Woman’s Hour.

My body is amazing
I can almost hear her saying it
As she stands naked at the mirror
Hands clapping in applause to it
Naked, bold and proud
Her mouth open wide and round like
Wow
My body is amazing
She is one year’s old and loving it
Full belly sticking out, thighs like mini tyre towers
And when she looks at her reflection she always shouts aloud like
Wow.
This body is so great!
Gazing down now
I try to do the same
Ignore the plastic advert spreads
That pass me on the way
I say ‘my body is amazing’
Despite what some might say
I say my body is amazing
Despite the claims you make.
The nip and tuck and cuts and sucks that fill my walk to work each day
Enhancement ads and happiness will only come with curves this way and
if I lay in front of you today
Clothes dropped to the floor
You’d prescribe me what I could have less and what I should want more of
A tick box what could be chopped off with red pen ready hand aside your eyes deciding what to slice from lips and cheeks to bum and thighs
The lines below my eyes you say
I ought to peel or pull away
My breasts will start to sag one day
My breastfed baby there to blame
She came into the world you say
That’s great
but now behold your face
your saggy stomach, baggy eyes
Stretch mark stripes you look and sigh:
My eyes, tighten
My legs, inject
My thighs, cut back
My head, perfect
My stomach, flatten
My breasts, enhance,
Don’t smile, too much
Oh God, don’t laugh.
As you mark me like a canvas page in circled bouts of red
I feel the need to tell you you might praise this skin instead
Cos as you chat about corrections, your plucking cuts and lasers
Briefcase stuffed with time relapses, scalpol led erasers
I take up your red pen to my cheeks and mark two stripes on either side
A naked painted warrior could be a sorer site for eyes cos
I am ready for your battles now
My body’s felt the worst
No scalpol cut intense as that last damn push of birth
And I have learnt with awed amazement what my body brave can do
And now I’m marked like tribal tattoos with the tales my flesh went through
But those stripes that line my saggy stomach mark me like gold
And the folds by my eyes tell a tale just as bold
My laughter lines are deeper now because I smile twice as much
so if you palm read these first ‘wrinkles’ my life would light up.
Your official position is that smoothness is queen
but without any lines there’s no reading between them
A storybook opening
My life’s just begun and
Once upon never plays
If you cling to line one
As you try to cover the living I’ve done
As a human, a woman, and now as a mum
But your red pen can’t rub out the night’s I’ve not slept, the parts that I’ve bled or the laughter I’ve wept, the baby I held in the stomach that stretched, the breasts that got heavy so baby was fed, the parties I’ve had out, the sleep I’ve missed out on, the dinners I’ve stuffed down my throat like a python,
As you pile on the pressure to cover my life
I wonder what on earth is so wrong with your sight.
If my mind and my memory can tell you my tales
Then why can my body not tell them as well?
As our babies lie naked,
Applauding their skin
I can’t wait for their lives and their lines to begin.

Curiosity didn’t kill the cat – diffidence did

I found this article on Canadian Girlpostdoc's blog and found it extremely informative - and a bit spine chilling. I think that Kathy Weston has done many up-and-coming scientists a great service for by sharing her experiences (especially woman who might also have confidence issues or be trying to balance work and small children). Although I must admit that balancing kids with a career is a challenge (and that job sharing would be wonderful!) I know many parents (including women) who are successful at both. The trouble is that, I also know many colleagues (mainly women) who admit to a lack of self-confidence and under-used abilities at self-promotion and networking. This lack of confidence and ability to toot ones own horn might be more damaging than I realized. Reading about how Kathy would hide out at conferences I had to cringe. I don’t hide out, but I have a tendency not to call attention to myself in group settings, even when I have something to say. For example, the last time I was at a conference I attended a stimulating workshop. Many times I came up with exciting thoughts and ideas, but was too shy to share them. More often than not others got over their shyness and voiced similar ideas. At the time I thought nothing was lost, since the ideas were discussed without me speaking up. However, my shyness meant that none of the people in that room, who did not already know me, learned anything about my work or my thoughts on the changing nature of the field. Next time I am in a similar situation I will try to remember Kathy’s warning and speak up!

Losing my (car) virginity

Well, I’ve finally done it; I’ve lost my car virginity to a middle-aged Greek guy named Chris. Believe it or not, I was a 30-something car virgin - I had never bought a car before. Sure, I’ve been driving since I was 16 (actually, I learned at 15), but I had never bought my own car. I preferred to spend my money on plane tickets to see the world, and on high rent to live a downtown lifestyle. But now I have 2 kids, -20C temperatures, and a half an hour walk to daycare. So when the 16 year-old car my parents gave us “pooched”, it was time to bite the bullet. The car has standard transmission and manual windows (which I love); it meets all safety standards and has enough room for the car seats and the strollers. How times change!

How consumerism stole my Christmas

Caveat: My family and friends (even the grandparents) are generally good at curbing consumerism. If you are someone who gave us a present, we are not blaming you for stealing our Christmas. Overall we had a lovely Christmas. This is just a rant about over consumption in general.

Remember the anticipation that Christmas brought when you were a child? Counting the days until Santa came, thinking about what gift you wanted him to bring, and the delight on Christmas morning when you saw that he had eaten the cookies and finished the milk? That’s the type of Christmas I wish for my children. But this year it was an uphill battle and I blame consumerism for hijacking Christmas and holding Santa hostage.

Our preschooler is old enough to understand Santa, but young enough to believe in magic, so we were very excited about Christmas this year. However, he had a few questions. Why Santa is everywhere (parties, malls, street corners), when he’s supposed to be in the North Pole preparing? It is a reasonable question. We fielded that by saying that these are Santa’s helpers. But why do Santa’s helpers hand out gifts (that were not asked for, or needed) before Christmas has arrived? No matter what we answer, this kills the anticipation for Christmas morning. Why does Santa bring so many gifts to family gatherings? The overwhelming amount of gifts means that time, which used to be spent talking to each other and playing with the kids, is now spent opening presents. There were so many gifts that even the adults were overwhelmed. Then, after we tackled the mountain of presents from Santa, we parents made the mistake of opening each present in front of the person who gave it. Despite good intentions, that was a bad move. Our poor preschooler was completely overwhelmed. He seemed happy as he tried to play with everything he was given, but by the end of the day his attention had been pulled in so many directions that he was frantic. He was up the whole night with night terrors (very scary for him and us) and had tantrums from exhaustion the next day as well. Luckily the baby slept through most of it. Where are the days when kids played happily all day (and for days after) with the one or two gifts that they asked for?

Most troubling is the fact that I know I am not the only one drowning in stuff. I also know that manufacturing and shipping it all uses huge amounts of energy and resources, which we humans are quickly depleting. My kids don’t need a mountain of toys; they need a habitable planet to inherit in the future!

You can call me Grinch and you can call me Scrooge, but next year we are laying down some rules. First - one gift per child. This sounds Draconian, but with so many people insisting on giving us presents, the kids will still get a small mountain of stuff. Second, grandparents are entitled to request an extra gift from Santa, but that needs to be delivered to our house. Third, if the kids show any sign of over-stimulation after opening a few gifts, then the remainder of the presents will be opened, a few at a time, over a period of days. Finally, we adults need to communicate with one another about gifts for the kids ahead of time. Hopefully next Christmas will be less overwhelming and instead of a mountain of presents, we’ll have a roomful of adults who are truly present - there for the kids.

Year in Review 2010

I hope 2010 has treated you well. For us it has been a busy and happy year. Here is my annual “year in review” to summarize memories and to keep you up to date.

Personally, the highlight of the year was the birth of our second child, who arrived, much to our delight, in our home. He is a wonderful addition to our family! We remain very happy living in the heart of a big city where we can walk or bike everywhere. This year we took the kids to many holiday events within walking distance of our home and attended many of our co-op’s social events. As our eldest son grows, we enjoy these events more and more. Halloween, the children’s holiday party and the building of the gingerbread village were favorites. Our preschooler is thriving in day care and is already learning how to write his name and the letters of the alphabet. Hubby and I have spent another year watching our older miracle grow, and we look forward to ongoing joys with the new baby, and the interaction between the two boys.

Professionally, I continue work as a post-doctoral researcher and have had the pleasure of working with great people who helped immensely in the lab while I was pregnant and also made it possible to engage in an exciting side project involving fieldwork in the USA and exciting new lab techniques. Hopefully we’ll be able to continue that research in 2011. The location of my lab also gives me practical perks like onsite yoga and biking to work, both of which I continued to do until a couple weeks before the birth of the baby. Hubby continues to pursue self-employment endeavors in music and sound design, and is also exploring other options, which may provide more stable work. With two kids, we can’t give up on the dream that one of us should have health benefits!

It has also been a year full of travel. Last winter I visited Seattle for a conference and then went to the Netherlands to see a close friend defend her thesis. A month later the whole family went to the tropics to visit the “abuelos”, and in the middle of that vacation I flew to a conference in San Diego to give an invited lecture. Over the summer we did several family trips to wilderness parks close to home. Then in August (in my third trimester), I flew to Brazil to attend a conference and spent a few days in Sao Paulo. The trip was aided by an easy pregnancy that allowed much walking around and even some hiking through spectacular Araucaria forests!

We are very happy with the blend of personal and professional experiences we’ve enjoyed in 2010. Next year will bring job and grant applications for both of us. We know that our next career steps will be time and labor intensive, but we hope to preserve our home life balance. For my part, I believe the balance makes me a better mother and a better scientist!

Happy holidays and all the best for 2011!

Balancing family, work … and plumbers !?!

Does anyone else find it disconcerting that the older one gets the faster time seems to fly by? Today I looked at my newborn and realized that he isn't a newborn anymore. His face has lost that scrunched up look, his cheeks have filled out, and he's about 4 cm longer already. With my first child this newborn stage seemed to last forever. It was a hazy, slow moving, magic time when I interacted only with my husband and the new little life we had made together. This time it seems more a fast moving blur than a slow moving one. To counteract it, every day I make a concerted effort to slow time down. I gaze at my baby and try to memorize the way he looks and feels and smells.

Part of the racing time phenomenon is probably due to my growing older. Part of it is likely because we have a fast moving older child to care for as well. Part of it is that I am trying to keep up with work more this time around. This is mostly by choice. I like to be “in the loop”, so I keep up with emails, and things keep popping up. But I battle with myself a bit every time I take something on (even little things) when I know I should be sleeping.

Finally, this time around, rather than being left alone, we have had some unforeseen annoyances (not crises, nothing huge, but annoyances). In addition to having a baby and a pre-schooler, we've had contractors fixing the plumbing in our unit. Obviously we did not plan this. The contractors are working on the whole building and could not change their schedule for the birth of our baby. Because of this we have had to evacuate our home due to noise, dust and fumes (including a few days when the baby was < 2 weeks old). To minimize the disturbance to our lives, on days without extreme conditions, we try to stay home. But yesterday was an example of how ridiculous things can become, even on the “easy” days. The baby had a rough night and I was up with him every hour. Then, bright and early, the contractors showed up. Our older child was home and full of energy, so things were chaotic. Then the contractors set off the fire alarms. With the bells ringing and three plumbers already running around, the superintendent arrived, and then the fire fighters, in full gear, came tromping in! So much for a peaceful mat leave!

I love newborns!

The baby has arrived and it is so wonderful having a newborn around again! I really love this phase (even with the sleep deprivation). I love that I don’t have to focus on anything except this warm cozy being that needs me as much as I need him. I love smelling him, and looking into those newborn eyes, and smiling at those tiny newborn smiles. Even though I am committed to work/home balance – so much so that I labored and gave birth wearing a work related T-shirt as a symbolic reminder to myself to keep work and home in equilibrium – I love that in these first few weeks I really don’t have to concentrate on work. I can if I want to and if the circumstances allow, but I don’t have to. I am free to focus 100% on loving this new little human and integrating him into our family.

Balancing Pregnancy and Lab work

Although this is the first time I’ve mentioned it on this blog, for the last nine months I have been pregnant. Indeed, this is part of the reason why I’ve hardly written anything – hopefully people are still checking this blog and will read this :-).

During my last pregnancy I was in the last stages of writing my thesis and I found that to be a wonderful time to be pregnant. The physical demands of writing are minimal and I found that I could juggle my writing schedule around the times when my brain was most functional. Importantly, since I was not teaching or supervising students while writing, I had only one person to worry about – me. This pregnancy has been different from the first both at work and at home. On the work front, I am now a post-doc and given the short duration of post-doc funding I was not in the writing phase while pregnant (otherwise the grant would have run out before the baby came). Also I am now working in a molecular lab, which meant that to continue collecting data I needed to manage working with chemicals that may be dangerous during pregnancy. I was also working closely with students and colleagues on projects, which meant taking responsibility for more than just myself. Finally, on the home front, I now have an active pre-schooler to take care of, which makes the goal of “rest when you need to” pretty laughable – I rest when he lets me :-).

Nevertheless I think this pregnancy has been very successful in terms of work/home balance. There are several reasons for this: First, I was fortunate enough to receive funding to have someone help out with the hands-on lab work in the project, which allowed me to avoid the hazardous chemicals while still keeping the project going. Second, I work with great people who were cognizant of the fact that I might have to do less in the lab and might have “baby brain” at times, but that I wasn’t trying to let my pregnancy put my work on hold. Third, on the home front both my toddler and my husband are pretty awesome and supportive. So, despite being much more tired during this pregnancy than the last (and getting sick more as well) – I have had a pretty smooth ride. So smooth that I was able to attend a major conference requiring an 11-hour flight and 3-hour bus ride halfway through the third trimester!

Likes and Dislikes

Inspired by a post from Girlpostdoc I have written a list of my likes and dislikes about academic science. What a great exercise - I highly recommend it.

Likes
• Intellectual engagement (i.e. time left alone to read, write and learn new things, but also time spent with others pursuing those activities)
• Creative work that is always different
• Flexible hours and duties
• One-on-one and small group teaching
• Travel (for fieldwork and conferences)
• Publishing - I enjoy getting page proofs and I love it when a paper comes out
• Churning out data – I get great satisfaction when things are going well
• Refining methods to make them more efficient and comfortable
• Data entry (weird I know … but when combined with other things I like it)
• Exploring data (taking a look at those first results and using them to decide what to do next)
• Debating how science is done and how it is taught – philosophy of science
• At a deep level I like to have adventures and then tell people about them (usually via writing and sometimes pictures). In a way that is what science is. Each new project (or subproject or question) is an adventure, you need to plan the best way to do it (write the grant), do it (collect the data) while making decisions and changes along the way, and then consolidate all the new information and tell people about it (analysis, presentation at conferences and writing).

Dislikes
• Tight job market for tenured and tenure-track positions
• The extreme workload (which can unbalance the work-family equilibrium) when on the tenure-track (or so I’ve read and heard)
• Job insecurity and lack of benefits in untenured jobs (i.e. post-doc, adjunct researcher, sessional lecturer)
• The ivory tower syndrome: the feeling that I am reaching a small group of people about a very narrow topic – scientists who find time to reach the public are real inspirations for me
• Constantly dealing with rejection (it gets easier after a while, but it remains unpleasant)
• Geographic limitations when looking for a tenure-track job (Am I willing to live in a place I hate for a job?)
• Dispassionate “soulless” academic writing (although I’ve realized that the some established scientists have managed to keep their writing both passionate and academic)
• Having to do things over and over without results (i.e. when a method just doesn’t work and I can’t figure out why)
• The way that science frowns upon intuition when it is often the basis of new hypotheses. Sometimes I think the baby gets thrown out with the bathwater when new ideas fly in the face of the status quo.