First steps

Recently I reached a couple of career milestones. I successfully defended my thesis, thereby becoming Dr. Science Mom. Then I was invited to my first job interview which, regardless of the outcome, made it clear to me that I am now a professional and no longer a student.

Today I witnessed another milestone, which fills me with an incredible amount of pride and joy - my baby took his first steps. He had been walking with the support of two hands for a couple of months and started walking with the support of only one hand a week and a half ago. Then today he happily walked unsupported between my husband and me. It started small, with one and then a couple of steps, but as he grew more confident we were able to move farther and farther apart. Imagine that it was just over a year ago that he made his entrance into this world! It is truly amazing, and it is a testimony to what great things can come from small beginnings, when one takes the time to practice and build upon prior successes. My baby came into this world helpless, not even able to hold up his own head, and today he took his first steps to independence.

His milestone gives me perspective as I take my first wobbly steps as a professional scientist. When I feel inexperienced and perhaps overwhelmed as I continue my journey, I will try to remember the lesson my baby taught me today. It wasn’t long ago that I too was helpless and brand new to science, and I like my baby I have grown. Now we both need to learn and practice, so that some day soon we will be steady on our feet and we’ll both be running.

5 things meme

I got tagged by Fia and I'm happy to answer the following questions with a few modifications :-)

Things I was doing FIVE years ago:
1. Working in the tropical rain forest
2. Planning a trans-Atlantic move
3. Wondering if starting a PhD is the right thing to do
4. Wondering if leaving the sunny tropics is the right thing to do
5. Accepting the PhD offer and moving anyhow

5 things on my to do list today
1. Relax after most crazy first job interview
2. Buy formula for the baby
3. Read paper A
4. Revise paper B
5. Continue trying to get a job while hoping that the interview that just passed was successful

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire
1. Do something about the dismal daycare situation for parents in science on continent A
2. Get a nanny and someone to help with the housework
3. Fund my own research and those of others between grants
4. Invest money into co-operative housing worldwide
5. Travel (with a nanny to help with the baby)

5 places I've lived
1. In a bank on continent B
2. In a camper van in a field, on a windy island on continent B
3. In a great little apartment with toucans in the backyard in the tropics
4. In a "historic" building on continent A
5. In a great co-op in the center of a great city on continent A

5 jobs I've had
1. "Basketcase" teenager who keeps watch over peoples belongings while they swim (now lockers do this job)
2. Lifeguard
3. Coffee house clerk
4. Field tech
5. Biologist

Travel for Dr. Mom

When my baby was 11 months old I had to leave him for just under two weeks in order to take a trans-Atlantic flight to defend my thesis. Because my husband had to stay home and work, and day care was not available where I was defending, neither my husband nor the baby could come. Given the situation, I decided the best for the baby would be to leave him with my parents. That way my hubby could continue working while the baby was with his grandparents (whom he adores). After work my husband could then play with the baby and put him to bed. The baby would be with people he knew and the routine would be almost the same (except that mommy would not participate in the daytime care, play and bedtime).

The period before I left was hard, mostly due to the guilt I felt for leaving my baby. This was exacerbated by people exclaiming that 2 weeks was too long to leave an 11 month old. Luckily my baby is used to my leaving for short periods of time. He stayed alone with my husband from three months while I worked on my thesis, and he also spent days with his grandparents and with a neighbourhood sitter before I took the trip. That meant that when I actually left there was no drama (for him at least). He didn’t cry or even whimper he happily watched me go secure in the knowledge that I would return. I got a little teary, but he was fine.

I heard from my husband that the first night without me was hard for both the baby and my husband but that after that the baby actually slept for longer periods than when I was home to breastfeed him. The first night was hard for me too, I cried on the plane, but after I arrived at my destination I was too busy to miss the baby painfully. Skyping every night helped too.

When I returned home my baby looked surprised and then happy to see me. He definitely recognised me and he came to me right away. In the end, only the nights were different. While I was away (and despite valiant pumping efforts) I lost my milk supply. That meant that the baby just didn’t know what to do with me when I came to him at night. I must admit that watching him hug his dad and not me in the wee hours was hard since the nights had always been our private cuddle time. But on the other hand I did get to sleep more while daddy took the night shift :-) In the end the night-hug strike only lasted a few days and when the baby came around and melted into me as he fell asleep, I enjoyed that hug more than any other.

Ultimately, I feel that keeping the baby to his routine and not dragging him across the Atlantic was the best for him and me. He got to spend time with people whom he loves and I left knowing that he was with people who love him and whom I trust. Oh, and I also successfully defended my thesis, so I’m now officially “Dr. Mom”.

Six Random Things About Me

I've been away for a long time, since I still don't have access to daycare. But I've already written about that unfortunate situation in my last post. It's too bad that being a full-time mom by day and working by night doesn't leave much time (or sanity) for blogging.

However, something interesting has happened to me in the blogosphere. I've been tagged. Fia has invited me to write six random things about myself. Hmmmm, where to begin.

1. I generally NEVER do chain letter type things online, but in this case I figured it might get my blog some exposure, so I thank Fia for the invite.

2. The first pet I ever loved was a fish named Mr. Fish.

3. In my first year of university I won the "keener frosh" award. This means I am a huge geek and actually enjoyed the humiliating activities that first year students are made to do.

4. In line with number 3, I actually enjoy being on committees. It makes me feel like I can change things for the better.

5. I enjoy research immensely (I wouldn't be working so hard to stay in this game despite currently having no financial or child care support if I didn't), but I am also looking forward to the teaching and service components associated with a professorship (if I ever get one). But let's start with getting a paid post-doc and some childcare first :-)

6. Although I love eating and trying new things (I ate and enjoyed guinea pig in Peru), I could live on bread, cheese and apples.

But here's the trouble with the tagging part ... every blogger I read has already been tagged for this meme (or else I do not feel comfortable tagging them). So ... I'll have to leave it at this post.

Childcare woes …

Now that grant application deadlines are looming I wish that the city I live in had more flexible and affordable childcare. In recent years the quality of childcare has improved in leaps and bounds and there are a wide variety of choices. That’s the good news. The bad news is that waiting lists are very long and part-time care is nearly non-existent. Also for a scientist who is between grants (something that happens to even the best of researchers) the cost of care (which is higher than rent or college tuition where I live) is prohibitive. So like many parents who are trying to stay-in-the-game in academia, I am taking care of my baby by day and working by night. It is exhausting, but it is the best I can do at the moment.

Thesis submitted!

A few weeks ago, I submitted my PhD thesis. It felt good – really good. It gave me a sense of accomplishment even though I have not defended yet. Submitting the written document convinced me that my four and a half years of work have culminated into a coherent package. Handing in the document gave me a sense of closure, but also a sense of opportunity since I hope this thesis represents not the end of my scientific career, but only the beginning, the spring board of skills and knowledge upon which my future career will be based.

After weeks of focused writing from morning till night, I now have a bit of time to spend with my baby. It’s been great taking him on long walks, playing with him at parenting centres, watching as at 9 months he is becoming less of a baby and more of a toddler. It is a wonderful transition and I’m happy to be experiencing it. Now if only there were more hours in a day so that I would also have time to write grant applications for a post-doc …

Making connections

I have been receiving email updates from friends, stories from all over the world from Toronto to Germany to Africa. They tell of new jobs, adventures, marriages, babies ... I consolidate these stories with my own as I type up the last bits of my thesis and watch my baby grow. It makes me think of how much people’s lives change over time and how people who grew up together, eventually, branch out - but somehow we remain connected. It is as if we are the leaves at the tips of tree branches, starting from the same roots and growing outward, yet still brought together from time to time by the occasional breeze.

Slowing down to wonder at milestones

Life is a whirlwind (nay tornado) of activity these days. Although I am very happy, sometimes it feels like I have to remind myself to breathe while trying to write up the final bits of the thesis, interviewing for housing, finding a doctor, looking it to day care etc. etc. etc. Amazingly, amongst all this having a baby has actually helped me to slow down! Every now and then my baby does something that makes me stop in wonder. The things he does are small and subtle, but when he does them, and I take the time to notice, it is as if time stops. I am overwhelmed by a sense of profound peace, intimacy and love. When we roll around on the floor together and he grabs his feet and puts his toes in his mouth, he teaches me to play again. When he stares in fascination at his refection and reaches out to press his palm against the mirror, I can see him discovering who he is, and he reminds me who I am. My baby is an exercise in mindfulness and I love him.